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In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale

The world calls them trash, Remi calls them One Star Classics.

Sitting through the In the Name of the King trilogy is kind of like participating in a charity fun run, minus the fun and the health benefit, yet with plenty of charity. I mean, really–I watched this so you didn’t have to. That’s charity. You’re welcome!

So, let’s start this thing right at the beginning: A Dungeon Siege Tale. Dr Boll–not entirely sure why the director thinks he’s a doctor, but that’s a discussion for another day–continues his journey through destroying video game properties. This time, though, the game studio must have had an (understandable) last minute change of heart, and desperately tried to get their game out of the title. They at least kind of succeeded.

What really baffles me, is that somebody decided that it’d be a good idea to give Dr Boll $60 million to make a film, any film. Yes: Sixty. Million. US. Dollars. I mean, what the hell? But I digress…

Jason Statham leads an all-star cast, which I hope got handsomely paid, seeing this movie ended of most of their careers. Statham, though? What a pro! While the rest of the poor saps try their damnedest to get into character, Statham just keeps being Statham. Brow furrowed, head cocked over the shoulder–if they took this performance and interposed it into a modern-day action movie set in London, you probably would not even notice. Statham does it the Statham way, and bless him for that.

At the other end of the spectrum you have Burt Reynolds playing the eponymous king. I can only assume Burt had high hopes for this movie, expecting it to be his Hamlet. The man wrote the dialogue for his own death scene, one that is just heartbreaking for all the wrong reasons. (I’m still not convinced it actually was intended to be a death scene, and that Burt just fell asleep during filming. An auteur like Dr Boll would take that as an opportunity to throw in some extra drama.)

Yet, much of a train-wreck this is as far as acting is concerned–seriously, Matthew Lillard?–nothing can compare to the technical incompetence put on display in A Dungeon siiiiigh. I’m just going to throw this out there: I am fairly certain Dr Boll is in need of glasses. I mean, right? Is there any other reason why every shot is out of focus? It only makes sense.

Of course, keeping everything blurry is a good way to mask the special effects shots, each which were made by different CGI studios. That’s right. No studio was up to Dr Boll’s high standards, so he kept firing them, consistency be damned.

Yeah, no… It’s all just so awful. The whatever-they-are coming flying down from trees at random times, the color grading, Ron Pearlman… There is bad, there is Uwe Boll-bad, and there is this… Uwe Boll Bad .

And it doesn’t get better, the trilogy. At least A Dungeon Blarg can live safe in its infamy, knowing Jason Statham was there, doing his Statham thing.