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Left Behind (2000)

The world calls them trash, Remi calls them One Star Classics.

I’m no religious aficionado, but should we ever decide to expand the Holy Trinity, I think Kirk Cameron would be the perfect addition to make a Holy Square. This is a man who clearly feels he is the closest thing we have to Jesus, and he certainly is not afraid to smear on the smugness to prove it. (Not that I’m necessarily saying Jesus was smug; more that Kirk is smug about thinking he is the second (or however many we’re up to) coming.)

As for Left Behind, there isn’t a whole lot to say about it—you already know the story—but there are things to be learned from it, most of which pertains to Kirk. I can only assume he more than influenced the end product.

For example, apparently animals really do not have souls. Kirk and co. want to make this clear, and should you have any doubts, it is hammered in that dogs do not go to heaven. Here they run around the streets, loyally trying to find their owners, all of who were whisked off to the afterlife. I suppose Kirk might be suggesting that biters get what they deserve, but frankly, it looks to me like the animal kingdom has gone downhill in god/Kirk’s estimate after the whole Noah incidence.

Either way, much as he hates animals, one quickly learns that Kirk finds plenty of inspiration in infomercials. I can only assume the script writers—one of which has written a good dozen apocalyptic movies, including the recent Nic Cage remake of this one—were lifted from the latest Magic Bullet spot. We’re talking: “But Kirk, surely there is no way somebody like me can go to heaven now?” “Well, not so fast, Jim, not only can I offer you a one-way ticket, I will also give you a chance to defeat the anti-Christ!”

It’s not a great movie, but it sure is fascinating!

Ever wondered if Kirk was frugal? He clearly is! This is a movie set after the armageddon—no need for extras! (Which further proves that Kirk is kind of a softie (animals notwithstanding)—apparently he feels most of the world would be whisked away when it all goes to crap. Or he ran out of money while filming.)

I suppose there actually is a movie in here, but few would watch the movie for the movie itself. More than anything, this is Kirk-porn, and it is as in-your-face as it ever has been produced.

Want more Kirk? This is the internet and you can find plenty of smut out there!