By the time Pinocchio's Revenge hit the theaters (I assume it hit the theaters) we had already seen three Child's Play movies, in addition to the underrated Dolls. I assume the concept had proven itself well enough that it was time for somebody to make an extremely cheap knock-off of those movies.
And by god is it cheap. Pinocchio–no relations, other than the name, and a few half-hearted references–literally does not move throughout the vast majority of the movie. No sudden movement of the eyes, no turn of the head… Nothing!
This is made particularly hilarious when he talks to his owner without his lips ever moving, except for in one scene. I have no idea what was so special about it, though my guess is that it was filmed early on, and that was when the film's budget ran dry.
There is one other scene where you can see Pinocchio wobble away in the distance, but it's clearly not a doll, and rather someone who looks like Verne “Mini Me” Troyer. (Cue the point where you go to IMDb and discovered it is, in fact, Verne “Mini Me” Troyer.)
Now and again the doll suposedly is running, and it's clear that his legs are held by somebody off camera who is bumping him up and down, in something that does not look like running at all. When he wrestles with his potential victims, it is obvious that the actors are doing all his movement. I mean, really…
There are so many odd things in this movie. Like when the little girl's mom is getting it on, and her daughter is hearing it all from her bedroom? It does nothing for the movie, other than possibly showing why the girl is emotionally disturbed, to the point where she thinks a living Pinocchio is normal.
I'd like to say that the makers of the movie tried, but they really didn't. The marketers, bless their hearts, did try to put out some enticing taglines like “bodies will pile up,” though that really only proves they couldn't be bothered to watch the movie. (I counted two kills.)
Somebody out there loves Pinocchio's Revenge, I am sure. They are sitting around, pining for a sequel, one they clearly were promised with the cliffhanger ending. Yes, the producers apparently had grand delusions of a Chucky type franchise.
But hey, if you want to check it out in all its SD 4:3 glory, then Netflix has it, just for you!
Letterboxd summary: Defense attorney Jennifer Garrick acquires a Pinocchio puppet from a condemned serial killer. Her pre-teen daughter, Zoe, mistakes the puppet as a birthday present and grows attached to her new friend. Suddenly, accidents begin to happen to those who cross Zoe. Zoe claims it's her Pinocchio doll but her therapist thinks otherwise. Pinocchio promises he'll behave if Zoe will cut his strings...
Ratings from around the web
|One Star Classics||1/6|